I had an awkward conversation with a friend yesterday. I was feeling abandoned, and unwanted. Which is still no reason to treat a friend the way I did, but my friend also had no excuse to ignore me the way he did. Usually I am a lot more forgiving. I forgive and forget a lot of little mistakes because they are little, unavoidable. A drop in a bucket. But soon those drops fill up the bucket and you just can’t ignore that it has been dripping for awhile. The awkward hello, and the awkward goodbye. The awkward “Are you OK ” and the awkward ” Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” and the guilty ” I don’t know”.
It’s all very weird. The bitter taste of being lonely, of wishing you had somebody to talk to, that one person that you wish would call you but then you realize you are a disturbance. You are not a pleasant surprise but an annoying chore to get over with. That weird sensation warps around your mind like a blanket wraps around a new born baby, very tight and secure. You can shake it all you want but in the end it won’t make much of a difference. You think over and over whatever you did that was wrong. You know it is you. You wonder what you can change, if you can change at all.
The silence of being alone is something very loud, more so when you have a lot to do and then that feeling sneaks up on your mind and you realize that except for you, there is no other human sound around.
The digital clock changes time too quickly for your liking. You wonder where all the time went. What were you doing that you wasted so much time? You want time to stop, to just gibe you a break so you can get yourself together. But that is the thing about time, its unforgiving. It never stops. You can beg and beg even crawl. But it will just mock you and add a minute to its time, just because it can.
And it is time which test a friendship or any relationship. Because time is what tells you if that person will stick around, or if they will be there for a limited amount of time. It’s such a sad truth, and this is such a sad post. Yes I know. I have been in that kind of mood lately. I am fighting myself and fighting time to keep this thing, this friendship going, and sometimes its so good, and other times I feel as if I have a place holder friend. One there just because I put it there, not because it really think it should be there.
I just hope this feeling goes away soon.