Sometimes I believe I am an abnormality, 19 and still single? How is that even possible? But sadly it is. This topic is not an easy one to talk about, because I have to talk about my flaws as a person. Only a flawed being would be single for so long right? Wrong! We are all flawed human beings. Nobody is born with a perfect personality, and the only “perfect” people out there can’t show their true colors because they fear rejection.
Rejection is such a sad little word, isn’t it? Nine little letters to represent such a catastrophic event and humiliating event in a person’s life. People say “Don’t be afraid of rejection, is only a part of life”. Only a part of life? It’s a very important part of life I think, This thing rejection or whatever you like to call it, blocks my every path. It’s like a giant boulder blocking the path to the Elite Four (Pokemon Reference). It is because of this fear of rejection that I don’t tell the boy I like “I like you” or go with confidence to a job interview. Maybe I am a coward, I know of girls that have the guts to go to the boys they like and have a decent conversation with them, I don’t even have the guts to be next to him because my heart is beating a hundred beats a second and my mind becomes this mumbling mess.
I have liked a lot of boys throughout my adolescence, all types of boys. From Black to Hispanic to White. From smart to dumb to athletic and non athletic. I have liked each if them because they had one thing in common. They all made me laugh, and in my opinion they were also cute. But for some unknown reason, each of my crushes was not meant to be. I only had the guts to confess to one and by then there was too much space between us for anything to develop.
There is also another reason as to why I have been single for so dang long, sadly I think it is my personality. For some unknown reason (And I refuse to take any blame for it) I come off as a very strong independent person. This “I don’t need a man” attitude seems to make them afraid of me, yet it should be very obvious to men that is my way of avoiding rejection. It’s the most obvious sign, I believe. It’s not like I do it on purpose, or that it is my purpose to belittle men, because it is not. I like men, I like them sexy or non sexy but with brains, kinda cute but funny,etc. But I have no idea if men like me. Do they think I’m sexy? Probably not. Do they think I’m cute? Probably not. Do they think I’m pretty? I like to think so. I’ve been told I’m pretty, and I AM going to think I am pretty. Every woman should feel pretty. Do I feel pretty all the time? Not really, even less during that time of the month when my hormones are crazy and all I want to be is cozy.
Then there is also the issue about my obsession with my breast. I have this thing where I feel my breast are weird, therefore any partner I have will hate them and talk about them. Yes, it is something weird and for some even laughable. But to me it is very serious because it has controlled my self image in a way that I feel like this unappealing and incomplete woman. I feel bad about something I have no control over, and that is horrible. Believe it or not this is the biggest reason as to why I have been single so long. I don’t feel worthy of the guy I like, therefore I do nothing about it. I put this guy in such a high pedestal that I feel small compared to him and doubt that he will ever fall for someone like me. I am sure a lot of people feel this way about the person they like. What can you do about it? It’s very simple really. See them for who they really are. Sure, they may be cute or even be some hot stuff, but they are also human.
So yeah, now that my dirty little secret is out, I just hope anybody that reads it can learn anything from it. The most important thing is you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. I am still learning to love myself and love my body, so I do not feel ready to love somebody else. But I am working on that and hope that soon I will find that person that understands me and loves me for it.
I am being very optimistic here.