Shut Up…I’m Talking

There comes a time in a person’s life when enough is enough, when you can no longer hold everything in and want to scream at people so they have to listen. I am at that moment in my life. Living on my own with two other females,in the university life where there are thousands of new people to meet; Only to feel the loneliest you’ve ever felt. Nobody is quite there where you expect them to be, they don’t reach your high standards. And that’s fine…I’m fine…Yet I feel so alone. And I shouldn’t. I know people and I can talk to people. I can be whoever I want to be. Yet I sometimes feel like this laughing stock, yet nobody really laughs at my face, just behind it.

I try to make myself feel better by thinking that its not me, its them. I don’t have the problem, they do, they…they….them…they. But sometimes that little black dot of the truth sneaks up in my mind and tells me that no, it is not them, but I who have the problem. I don’t know how to keep a friendship. I am not a good friend. I am not good enough. I am not who people think I should be. I am not a social butterfly.

But how can I change? Can I really change?

When I think about it, I can’t change who I am. I can’t be more likable because I would be fake. I can’t be fake ALL the time. The lies would twist up and become a big mess.Nevertheless, I sometimes feel as if I should change my personality. I should be different. It’s so sad. It makes me wants to cry sometimes. Why do people make me feel this way? People should be good to each other. They should be good to the people they know, they socialize to. Why do I feel my friendships are based on thin ice? Any moment,with  any wrong move, they would break apart, and I would drown in a world of sorrow. I find myself trying to be a good friend, considerate. Yet I still find myself in the wrong end of the sword; With nothing but my words to protect me, but my words were the one that put me in that position. It’s a never ending game, this thing called relationships, friendships, anything ship. A game were the winning are smiles and laughter  and the loss are painful memories of things that will never be again.

Excuse me if I am being a depressing being, because I know what I am writing is not something happy. It does not make you feel happy inside, or gives you any butterflies in your stomach. But I wanted to express what I am feeling at the moment, and I am not feeling happy or have any butterflies in my stomach. In fact I feel both angry and sad. Angry at a friend, and sad at the fact that so far this is my only friend here. This game of chess, the back a forth; it’s not good. It makes me feel confused, and frustrated.

Nobody ever understands me. It is so easy to judge than to seek knowledge.

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